I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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