I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
