I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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