Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You took a bar mat shot.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
