nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
