if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
