I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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