zippers are such a cool invention
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
