Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
