Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
