hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
