i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
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