just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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