Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
