Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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