ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
