FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
