I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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