I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
