By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
as a side note pls kill me
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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