Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
