Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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