So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
