life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
