but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
