my phone needs a breathalizer
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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