I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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