we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
