i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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