i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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