with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
