I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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