you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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