Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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