she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
do herpes really smell.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
