yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
