Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
