There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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