You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
