Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
