ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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