I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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