why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
