I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
