I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
