Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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