don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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