he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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