: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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