Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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