I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
