I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
