An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
