The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
