sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I pour the whiskey from now on
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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