i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Randomize
