Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
