she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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