First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
