mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
