It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
