I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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