how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
