Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
